A Weekend in the Great Outdoors

Ha! You thought I was going camping! Well, nothing could be further from the truth.

It's a long weekend this weekend, and people all over the country are packing up to camp, or hit a beach, or work in the garden.

I will be cleaning my house. Inside. Anyone that knows me knows that I am the least outdoorsy person. Ever. People who also know me also know that I worked for 11 years at a summer camp. Yes, rather be inside me worked at a summer camp.

Why am I not an outdoorsy person?

Well, for 1 thing, I can get a sunburn in a dark room. Seriously! My brother and I have described our skin tone as printer-paper white. We have also described our skin tone as translucent. Blue veins and all.

Reason number 2? I'm allergic to pretty much everything that grows. My own doctors have told me that if I want to continue to breathe, I need to get an air conditioner and keep the windows shut.

Reason number 3: I hate being dirty. There, I said it. It's not an Emma Pillsbury OCD thing. I just would prefer it. I think I'm the only kid I know that sat on a towel in the sand box, so my legs and butt would stay clean.

In the 11 years that I worked at camp, I think I slept outside once. (I don't consider sleeping on the stage outside.. it has a roof). I've got camping-camping (you know... where you use a tent) once. I think I've been to the beach twice in all the years that I've lived a stone's throw away from the ocean.

I know that I just pissed off all the environmentalists and nature lovers that I know. How can someone not like being in nature? It's easy. Nature doesn't like me!

Instead of hiking the Appalachian Trail, or camping in the mountains, I'll stay home and take a day trip to the park. And if I need to camp... doesn't they rent those pop-up tent campers? or go to the Renaissance Faire. That's outside... right?