Be careful what you wish for

For a while now, I've been looking at taking a few days off from work.

I got that wish, just not in a way that I wanted!

Thursday I got to my car to go home.  And ended up having to call a tow truck.  Acceleration wasn't working, and the car was idling badly.  The engine wouldn't even rev.  A two truck was called.  I got it to the shop.  And I ended up with a nice day off.

And I had a great day off!  I gave myself a facial. I made bread.  I took a nap.

The dealership called.  It was an air intake issue,  A $200 fix.  I went to pick up the car.  The guy that drove it up for me proclaimed "did you know that the accelerator doesn't work?"  Seriously??? That's why the car was there in the first place.

The last time I had an engine problem, I had to get a new car.  The fix was more than the car was worth.

Instead of panicking, I made a plan.  I went onto the website for my student loan to see if there is a lower payment option.  There is.  I went online to the Carmax website and got pre-qualified for a loan.  I went online and found some cars that I'm interested in.  But we can file this under "Things I didn't really need right now."

I spent all weekend with this ball of dread in my tummy.  I spent days trying to identify it.

Part of me almost wants the car to be beyond repair.  I'm terrified of paying all this money to have to break down again and again.  I already went down this road and the car didn't even leave the dealership.  I'm terrified of being broken down on the side of the road.

Is is possible to hide from reality?

In the last few weeks, the media has been a veritable shit show of awful.  From the President being awful around the world, to white guys being awful at home.

I've wanted to hide under the bed and ignore the awful stuff until it went away.

But I realized something today.  Hiding from reality... ignoring change in society and the world....  what's is what got us into this mess in the first place.

let's look at what has happened in the last few weeks:

• White Supremacist Richard Spencer lead a flaming torch filled march against removing Civil War monuments.  This happened in Charlottesville, Virginia.  Much pearl clutching happened.  (Both sides of the issue had the pearl clutching.)  Then an African American farmer called out the white liberals on their own bias.  I don't know about you, but it made me think.  It also made me want to change the way I act and react to people.
• An honest to god noose was found inside the Smithsonian Museum of African American History and Culture.  A fricking noose.  And for everyone who says that it's a joke:  it's not.  It's a message and a threat.  There's nothing funny about it.
• And the most disturbing of all:  A man stabbed 3 people in Portland, killing 2.  These people were killed for standing up for the women of color that he was harassing.

It's the last one that made me think the most.  There's a few issues involved in this.  (What follows are my opinions!)

1. Even though the President and his government won't admit it, White Nationalistic male terrorists are a bigger threat than Islamic terrorists.  With few notable exceptions (9/11 and the Boston Marathon Bombing), many of the biggest acts of terrorism in the states have been committed by white guys.  The reason why it is being ignored?  Because these white guys mainly kill brown people.  
2. The guy that did the stabbing in Portland?  He's a Bernie supporter.  It makes him hard to paint into that above narrative.  (although he has reportedly been involved in white nationalistic causes in the past)
3. Did you guys notice the FLOOD of people praising these victims, and not saying much about the harassed women that started the mess?  We're praising the heroism of the people that helped to stop the attacks.  And rightly so.  But can we address the bigotry that was the root cause of this?  
4. It's that bigotry (be it overt or internal) that breeds radicalization.  Both in the right-wing white guy sense, and the Islamic Extremist sense.

I think the root of many of these problems goes back to the idea that people like things the way they were.  White guys like being on the top of the heap.  Even some of the most liberal people around may harbor a bit of prejudice when they want things to go back to the way they used to be.  And we all know that ignoring the problem doesn't make it better.  Hiding from reality won't work much anymore.

Mr. Woolery is thinking back to a time when a good chunk of everyone in the US was Christian.  (Or at least everyone who Mr. Woolery considers to matter)  He looks back on that mythical time of Pilgrims and Patriots and has Hamilton-esque dreams of the founding of this country.  (Except in his dreams, all the Hamilton actors are white)  I'm sorry Mr. Woolery, but Mr. Kruse is right.  This country wasn't founded on Christian Principles.

I think that we need to make sure that people know things like that.  We need to make sure that history is understood, before it repeats itself.

My question to White America is:  why didn't more people speak up as those women were being harassed on that train?  Why don't more people try to shut down hate speech and ethnic, racial and religious slurs that we hear every day?  Are we afraid of also being stabbed?  Are we so used to minding our own business (like our parents told us to) that we don't speak up?

I think there's been a protest just about every month since the President took office.  Sadly, I think both sides of the issue are becoming bolder, more outspoken.

I'm absolutely terrified by what I see on the news every day.  A Handmaiden's Tale is so terrifyingly close to reality that I won't watch it.  But what can we do?

Well, we do what we can.  If it it is just correcting people when they are factually incorrect or speaking up as bravery will allow.

No man is an island

I think we can agree that I've not had the best 2017 so far.  And yesterday I had a pretty bad day.

Actually, my bad day started at 4:30, right before I got ready to go home.  The fact that many of my job tasks (things not part of the current job description, but have to be done until we hire someone) still are a mystery to me really got me down.  I hit an extreme point of frustration at not knowing how to do this job that has been thrust upon me.

So in that awful black mood, I headed home and burst into tears.  I was frustrated at my job.  I was feeling lonely and forgotten.  I cried and screamed.

Then I realized something.

My new gyno put me on Medroxyprogesterone for a week to jump start my cycle.  After the cycle is jumpstarted, I then get to go on birth control.  (I know.... my tubes are tied.. but apparently when you don't have a period and you should be having one.. you could get cancer.  I seriously don't want cancer!)

I looked it up last night.  Medroxyprogesterone is a fertility drug.  It's basically PMS is a bottle.

Oh yay!!

So like a kidney stone, this too shall pass.

And then I saw this on Facebook:

All I can say is yes.  100% yes.  As I sat sobbing on the kitchen floor, I vowed to never speak to my friends again.  In my hormonal stupor I was convinced that they didn't need a shit-show like me in their lives and they were better off without me.  Just like Oliver Queen does every few episodes on Arrow, I thought everyone would be safer without me around.

Say that it's not true all you want, but in that moment of existential crisis it was true to me.  (Even Oliver got that message this week.. from Malcolm Merlyn of all people!)

No man is an island.  You need meaningful relationships in your life.  And your friends want you around, the depression (or hormonal miasma) is lying to you.

This is to the friends:  if you haven't heard or seen someone in ages, send them a message.  They might be too scared of rejection to initiate contact.

I hate feeling like this

I've read that a variety of things can affect mood and mental outlook.  Hormones, time of year, stress levels....

I must be in a weird place, because I've hit a strange place.

After finishing up the school year with commencement, I am now allowed to breathe a bit.  (But only a bit, because I just got a few "Why isn't this done???" emails.)

After a day in a dress and heels, and an afternoon at a theme park, I went to bed dosed up on asthma meds and Benadryl.

I woke up in quite the funk.

I woke up wondering why I'm doing all of this exercising for.

I woke up feeling fat, ugly and stupid.

I woke up wondering if anyone cared if I was around, or would notice my absence.

I woke up feeling that my purpose in life was to work, do jobs that aren't mine, and clean.



And we know that those things aren't true.  I know that they aren't.  I'm sure it's dehydration, exhaustion and hormones.

But today I feel fat, ugly and unattractive.

And I know this will go away.

I'll hide on the sofa today.  I'll lose myself in a show.  I'll work on that dehydration thing.  (Seriously, I feel hungover, but I haven't had alcohol in ages).

I'll get up tomorrow and run and get back to the being healthy thing.

And I'll tell myself that this too shall pass.

Anne with an E

I've spend large amounts of time this weekend watching Netflix's new take on Anne of Green Gables.

I'm not sure how I feel about it yet...

In the original book, Anne was imaginative, and clever.  She didn't exactly fit in, but (if I remember correctly) wasn't ostracized by her classmates and the rest of the town.  I hadn't made it over far on my re-read.. I must admit.

Here are my thoughts:

• This Anne CLEARLY has PTSD.
• She's also like dialed to 11 on the not-fitting-in scale
• I've seen 4 episodes, and there's MUCH that isn't in the book.
• And I'm a little unhappy that Diana isn't yet her Bosom Friend!  *harrumph* 

I wonder if they didn't take the book, research what it was like for orphans back then.  Then add challenges and feelings from today's youth (which were probably the same back then)

The result is a show that is edgier.  It adds realism to the fairy-tale world that the original existed in.  

This book was one of my favorites growing up.  I was the red head with too much imagination, too much temper and didn't quite fit in.

I think to properly appreciate this take, I need to think of it as something different.  She's not the Anne of my youth.  She's an Anne of a different, and harder time.

EDITED TO ADD:
I've seen the entire first season now... and here are my thoughts:

• they added a lot of plot to the show, but kept in the highlights from the book.  (Getting Diana drunk, Matthew's heart trouble and all)
• There are themes (like menstruation) that are explored, that wouldn't have been written about during L.M. Montgomery's time.
• I really do think they went back to the book and read between the lines.  How would Anne have acted coming from that environment?  how would other people treat her (remember how harshly Rachel Lynde talked about orphans?)

In all, I can't wait to see season 2!

Fangirl (Did Rainbow Rowell spy on me in college?)

After I listened to Geekerella, I decided to listen to the Audiobook of Fangirl again.

Fangirl is a book by YA author Rainbow Rowell.  It's about Cath and Wren, twins who are freshmen in college.  Cath is the main character and the book's narrator.  She is an avid fanfiction author and struggling with anxiety.

There are many, many points in this book where I have to stop and take a breath.

I swear.  At points she is describing me.  I used to be an avid fanfiction author.

And we all know my struggles with anxiety.

Here are some quotes:

"Cath could already feel the anxiety starting to tear her stomach into nervous little pieces. "It's not just that… I don't like new places. New situations. There'll be all those people, and I won't know where to sit—I don't want to go." (chapter 4)

"It's just… everything. There are too many people. And I don't fit in. I don't know how to be." (Chapter 21)

“The arguments in her brain were like a swarm of people running from a burning building and getting stuck in the door.”








“Too much crying, she thought. Too many kinds. She was tired of being the one who cried.”


I've been here Cath is.  I've been afraid of the dining hall because I could picture myself standing with a tray and no knowing where to sit.  I know the tight and hot feeling of cresting anxiety.  I've been afraid of new things and situations because I don't know what to do, or what to wear or how to react.  I've been there, with the swirling thoughts, too many to process.

I also appreciate that Rowell did her research, because this runs in families:

"I'm crazy like him." She was already having panic attacks. She was already hiding at parties. In seventh grade, she'd been late to class for the first two weeks because she couldn't stand being in the halls with everyone else during passing periods. "It's probably going to get worse in a few years. That's when it usually kicks in."(Chapter 19)

Her father has issues as well.

I wonder how many women read this novel and though: wow... I'm Cath!

I know I did.

I wrote fanfiction.
I have a love for Harry Potter (Simon Snow in this book) that won't die.
We both have anxiety issues.

Thank you Rainbow Rowell.  Thank you for this novel.

RavenCon 2017

I haven't been to a convention in YEARS!  Seriously, years.

We live decently close to some quality area cons.  And this year's RavenCon was at a hotel that was 15 minutes away.  

So at the last moment, I decided to go.  Why did I decide to go?  Because Mercedes Lackey was the guest of honor.  

Friday afternoon I left work early so I could give the pup some out of the kennel time.  After a quick stop at Wendy's, we were off to the hotel.

Staying at home, and being a boring person, I didn't need this advice

I looked at the panels, circling the things I wanted to go to.  After noticing that everything was at the same damn time, I picked my panels.  And all of them were at 10pm or later.  Anyone that knows me knows that I'm in bed by 10 most nights.  

Ever go to a panel after half-reading the description?  That was me.  I thought I was going to a scholarly discussion about females in literature that are up to no good, and what I got was a panel about the Misbehavin' Maidens, a group that sing feminist Renaissance Faire-ish music.  I loved it!  I immediately made plans to attend their concert the next evening.

After that panel, was Mercedes Lackey's panel and signing.  I brought only 1 book: the UK cover of Sacred Ground.  (I bought the book in Ireland, and it's very special to me)

Then reality smacked me in the face.  I came in around 6 the next evening, but was already tired and antsy.

There's a reality for people that suffer with Anxiety related issues:  sometimes the world is too people-y and it's just exhausting.  I know, it sounds odd.  But after spending hours wandering around, talking to people and trying to figure out where I should be and where I was going and trying not to look like a gigantic dork when doing it all.. I was exhausted.

I left the hotel at 9pm on Saturday night, before the Misbehavin' Maidens concert.  I was disappointed.  But they understood!

Which prompted this bit of musing:

If I had a place to hang out that wasn't a chair in the lobby, or all alone in the game room... I might have made it.

But we came back on Sunday, so I could get my loot:

And now I'm at my desk, trying not to fall asleep.  

It's not like I stayed up super late.  maybe I'm just getting old?