Know when to fold 'em

EDITED TO ADD:  this was written last night

I had all sorts of plans for today.  I wen out to run.  I had thoughts of Busch Gardens.

But for some unexpected reason, today was a high anxiety day.

I picked up the smaller of my two kittens, rubbed my face against her soft fur and started to cry.  For some reason this tiny ball of fluff reduced me to a blubbering mass.

I then knocked my Nalgene off the end table.  Actually it was my butt that knocked it off.

Water everywhere.  Thankfully with the help of a carpet cleaner, I managed to suck it up.  But that dind't stop the tirade.  I'm a useless big-assed waste of space that can't manage to keep water on the table.

I don't know what brought it on.  All I know is that today I feel fragile and small, but also fat and clumsy.

It's actually very frustrating.  I know these thoughts and feelings are fleeting and temporary.  I know that tomorrow I'll most likely be fine.  (I also know that as of Tuesday life is going to get SUPER busy!  Classes start soon!)

The good news is that my house is a whole lot cleaner than it has been in ages.  That's one less stress on me today.  So I'm off to knock out the remaining undone chores so those stresses are gone.

And we'll see how I feel tomorrow.

When did I get old?

Last night I thought it was a good idea to visit the Williamsburg Winery for their running club.

I ran (Well, walked and ran) a 5K, then had a glass of wine and some food.  By the time I got home, I was so tired I was loopy.  But holy heck, did I sleep well!

I woke up this morning sore and hung over (half a glass of wine, y'all.  Wow....).  I also had that sense of dread.

Why?

Because the Freshmen moved in today!!

I got to work at 8 on the nose, and was greeted with a gaggle of people standing IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD and talking.  I'm hungry, uncaffinated and headachy.  And I was not amused!

I know!  I know!  The point of college is students!  But still, it's chaos when they move in.

I'm still tired and sore.  The traffic outside is still awful.  

I'm still in shock that I've been here over six years.

That's longer than I was a teacher for.

This is the first year that I'm doing something different as the school year starts.  This is the first year that I'm solely responsible for the grad program.

I'm a bit anxious about it.

But mostly I'm tired!

Happy Friday everyone!

Checking in on these goals things

Nine days ago I made a plan.    How is it going?  I broke the last post into a handy checklist!

Losing weight.  

• Measurements : Still haven't done it.  But I did take my "before" picture:

(Only kidding.  It's on the list for this weekend)

• Lose 2 pounds a month: See above

More cardio stamina.  

• Run using Map My Run:  Nasty weather severely cut my run time.  If there's no rain, I'm hoping to do it tomorrow!
• Weight Training:  DONE!
• 10,000 Steps with the FitBit:  If I can remember to wear it I've been hitting a solid 8000 steps a day.  Getting there!

Portion control.  

• Measuring portions, and not overeating:  I've been better, but not where I want to be.  last night, for example.  Not a great night.  
• Drink more water:  I've done well on this one!!

Depression and Anxiety.  

• PMS coping strategy:  I know when it's coming.  I can also recognize it for what it is.  SO it's getting better
• Getting more sleep:  I'm doing well here
• Not getting overwhelmed at home by doing 2 tasks a day:  This is new, but the house is a mess and I need to not have it stressing me out!  I've set this weekend's tasks.

Not succumbing to a "lost weekend."  

• Work out on Saturdays- Yeah... didn't do it.  Cardio tomorrow, though!
• Don't overeat all weekend:  I spent all weekend avoiding the news from Charlottesville by eating.  I know...  But this weekend is going to be better!

So now I'm off to make pizza and a salad.  I'm going to have a small glass of wine.  Then we've got some Netflix to watch!

Goals and motivation

After watching a video in my challenge group just now, I sat down and wrote the following Facebook post:

I was out running today and realized something.  I'm really into the running these days!  The mornings are cooler, and I get the share the workout with my furry running buddy!  I'm trying to do a weight based workout on my off days.  For the first time in ages, I'm excited to run. 

Thanks to the running I now have a real, tangible goal.  One that I can measure.
I run a 16 minute mile (don't laugh, I know it's slow).  I'm shooting for a consistent 13 minute mile by October.  I know the weight training that I'm not into right now will help with that.  

I looked at it, and realized that this isn't a Facebook post.  It's a blog post!

I only really have one goal right now:  to get healthier.  We all know that I had some nasty test results of late.  I looked back at my blog post that I wrote and I don't think the goals I made are enough.  I mean, they were ok.  But they weren't enough.

So I went back to my notes from Professional Developments of the past and decided to make a more concrete plan.  I need a Smarter Goal!

Benchmarks of being healthy:

1. Losing weight.  
1. I can measure this by keeping my measurements.  
2. If I try to lost a simple 2 pounds a month, By taking weight and body measurements I can track my progress.
2. More cardio stamina.  
1. I'm working for the 13 minute mile.  That means that Map my Run is going to be getting more use.  
2. It also means that I need to keep up with the weight training.  it'll help me with that.  
3. Getting up off my butt at work might also be a good start.  I have a FitBit.  I NEED to shoot for the 10,000 steps and reach that goal at least 4 out of 7 days in the week.  (Knowing that some days you're rather stuck to your desk.)
3. Portion control.  
1. The diet has been pretty good of late.  (Yay me!!)  Now I need to measure the bejesus out of my food.  This one has an immediate result.  I feel nasty when I overeat.  I'd like to spend zero days feeling bloated and awful!  
2. Water is my friend.  It'll help with that "I need to eat more" feeling.  I have a Nalgene, I should fill it up 3 times in a day.
4. Depression and Anxiety.  
1. A lot of this is hormonal.  I got put back on birth control and things are a bit out of wack.  I know when the nasty PMS is coming.  I need to be prepared with strategies of coping.  (PMS is this weekend and next week.  I'm warning you now!).  
2. I need to get sleep, but not too much.  Not being able to get out of bed in the morning is an anxiety symptom.  Getting up by 5:45am will help there.
5. Not succumbing to a "lost weekend."  
1. Of late, many of my weekends are like this.  I need to work out AT LEAST on Saturdays.  
2. I need to start with a healthy breakfast.  If we want to splurge on pizza, I can have A SINGLE slice, not 4.  

Today is August 9th.  I'll check back over Labor Day weekend and we'll see where I am.

Spoilers and Anxiety

Side note:  This post won't contain a single spoiler.

After years of seeing spoiler alerts, I came to realize that I must be weird because I actually like spoilers.

I know!  It's so weird!  Why would you want to know what happens in a movie or TV episode?

Because of anxiety!

My Spousal Equivalent has spent many a night watching me pace between the kitchen and the living room as the tense or social awkward scene plays out.  By the end of season finale season, my kitchen end up super clean!  I have spent large parts of movies, practically in Spousal Equivalent's lap, trying not to jump out of my skin.

I actively search out episode recaps when we watch a show on the DVR.  Heck, when the Game of Thrones episode leaked... and there were a few scenes on YouTube... heck yes I watched!

and I saw this stuff:

yes, I watched the episode the next day.

And I enjoyed it even more, because I wasn't super surprised by anything.