Losing My Religion

Sunday I sat in service, quietly willing away a growing panic attack.  I'm sure 90% of my problem was the fact that I was sick, but still.... it left me with a lot to think about.

Am I happy with my church?  or any church?

The answer is:  I don't know.

My issue seems to be less with the message (unless it's pledging season..) and more with how I fit among the people.

We have a too-large congregation in a too small building.  The coffee hour between services is wall to wall people.  People that I should be having social interactions with.  But in that large a crowd?  I'd rather be in the solitude of the bathroom.  I avoid large dinners and other crowds.  People vaguely know me, and the burden of social interaction seems overwhelming at times.  I don't know what to talk about.  I overshare and can't stop talking when I'm nervous.  (There's a lovely chapter in the Bloggess's book that is JUST THIS)

Singing in the choir used to bring me joy, but now it's seems to be a burden.  Something that I have to do.  I have to make sure that there is enough music.  I have to find and file it.  I have to make sure that it all comes back.

I used to be a part of the young adult community.  But I'm a few months away from being 40.  I'm hardly a young adult anymore.  Besides, these young adults are full of a passion for social justice.  And while I feel for those causes, the enormity of them leaves me at a loss.  I admire the youth for their zeal, but I'm no longer young.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be missed if I never came back.  Would my absence be felt?  Would anyone care?  I'm not close to many at the church.  Would they notice?

I also wonder if I belong in their beloved community....

I also think that I'm ill, and stressed, and severely in need of a nap.  Maybe things will look better after a few days off from work and a good nap.