Blow, Blow Thou Winter Wind

I was curled up on my couch, under a blanket when I started thinking.  I decided that I really didn't want to go to choir practice on Thursday.  Thinking about it, I decided I didn't want to go to church anymore.  After more thought, I decided I didn't want to go to work anymore.

Then I stopped and shook my head a bit.

I don't really think that becoming a hermit is the answer.  I don't think it's even what I really want.

The real issue is winter.  (With a HUGE dash of social anxiety thrown in)

It's been cold.  And not just cold.  Bone-rattling cold.  I simply don't want to leave the cocoon of blankets on my couch.

I simply need to not cut myself off from life.  And this is why:

When I start to give into that desire to hibernate, I start to convince myself of things that simply aren't true.  All of my friends really don't want to spend time with me.  I'm horrible at my job.  My house will burn down while I'm gone.

If I manage to stay away from things long enough, I don't quite know how to go back.  The thought of changing churches goes though my mind every time I miss more than a few Sunday services.  Why?  Because I'm afraid of what made up things I think people are saying about me.  By the time I walk though the door I have had multiple fake conversations in my head that have no basis in reality, but make me want to run screaming.

So this weekend I invited people over.  We made plans to go to church.  And I'm trying not to have fake conversations in my head.

But I still kinda want to be in the cocoon of blankets on the couch.