The Fixin' to Die Rag

"And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates
Ain't no time to wonder why, whoopee we're all gonna die"

This has been running through my head a lot.

I realized something yesterday:  I really don't want to die.  (Like most people).  I don't want my husband to have to make the hard decisions.  I don't want to leave my pets without a mommy.  I want to go to Disney again!

I especially don't want to die from respiratory nastiness.  I've had pneumonia a few times.  It's terrifying.

Also, if I'm going to get sick, I'm probably already sick.  That's why this disease is so awful.  Every person is a ticking time bomb.

So here I am, washing my hands and only leaving my house when I absolutely have to.

And trying not to have too much of an existential crisis.

COVID-19 and Inside Out

I realized today that we're experiencing most of the Inside Out feelings:

With everything being closed, it's easy to get angry at the situation.  or just to have a short fuse in general.

Fear is a big one for me right now.  Is this thing going to kill me?  Will I lose my job, my insurance or my house?  How will my family deal with me being sick?  Can I afford to go to a hospital, or will dying be cheaper?  It's scary out there!

I, for one, am disgusted at how the government is handling this.  I'm also disgusted at myself for the snacks I'm eating!!

Sadness is an easy one.  A lot of people are sad.  Sad that school is out.  Sad that everything is closed.  Sad because they can't live their lives and see their friends.

Social Distancing is getting me down.  I'm introverted, but as soon as you tell me that I CAN'T see people, I'm desperate to be out among people!

Hopefully soon we'll all feel some joy as we can resume our lives. 

Hopefully in a few months we can get back to living our lives like we have been.  But hopefully we'll have learned something from this.

The New State of Things

Last night I had quite a night.

My thoughts were in a particularly nasty spiral of doom and gloom.

I laid there, in that not asleep, but not awake mode.  I swore that my chest was tight, my heart was racing, my head was pounding and my body was aching.  I was planning my funeral, because I was SURE that I was coming down with COVID-19.

In reality, I was caught in a nasty thought spiral and probably having a panic attack.

I woke up tired, but with a clear chest and no body aches.  I have an undercurrent of anxiety running through me today.  I called off our grocery foraging trip because of it.

It comes down to the fact that I need to be looking after myself better.

• I need to stop falling down the rabbit hole of coronavirus coverage, especially before bed.
• I need to take some care in reaching out to people.  Maybe set up Skype or Zoom calls?
• I need to work out more.  Daily run and starting a new program.  (I don’t need to worry about being late for work anymore!)
• I need to limit snacking!  Stop the comfort eating!  (Seriously, I don’t want to be 300 pounds when this is all over!)

The only way that we’re going to get through this is by giving a shit about other people, and following the quarantine measures.  I’ve seen the best and worst in humanity lately.

Anyone else having issues dealing with life lately?

Woo Hoo! We're all gonna die!

I have issues with anxiety.  Some days are great, some, not so.

Sweet Jeezy Chreezy!  The damn pandemic has gotten to me.

Why has this gotten me?  With the exception of being asthmatic, I've got no other risk factors.

It's the uncertainty!

Some of the thoughts running around my head:

• Will I get sick?
• Will they use the military to keep us in our homes?
• Will Disney ever re-open?
• Will students ever go to school again?
• Will I ever be able to buy toilet paper again?

I feel comfortable when I know what's going on.  I read movie spoilers before I see the movie.  I look at the menu of the restaurant before we get there.  Surprises bother me (except maybe a surprise party...).

This?  This is the vast unknown.  And the unknown is scary!!

The Reason for the Season

Actually, if you want to be picky about it...

That... and Cultural Appropriation...

We're prepping for a Christmas Concert with my vocal studio at the moment.  We've got all sorts of music, but because of the season, there's a lot of God in the songs.

And that brings me back to my conflicted feelings about Christianity as a whole.

If you get down to the words written in the book, the ideas are sound.  Do unto others.  Those have have no sinned, cast the fist stone.  Blessed be the peacemakers.  It seems like a great code for life!  I'm not going to get into the beliefs about a higher power, I'm just touching on the here and now practices.

But I'm also a student of history.  And I've seen the mess that Christianity has made in the world, both directly and when they meant well.

• The Spanish Inquisition*
• the Crusades*
• using the bible to justify slavery*
• using the bible to justify homophobia*
• Christian Missionaries (Historically and present day)*
• Native American boarding schools*
• The Westboro Baptist Church*

*Yes... the realities are more complex, and you could write a dissertation on the the intersections of religion, politics and society.... 

It's hard for me to reconcile the message with the action of the people that hear that message.  And it's hard not to think about the ills that the religion have done to people in the past.

I'll stick to what I've been doing.  Following what JC said to do without the crap that his fan club does getting in my way.  I was thinking about going back to a church, but I don't know.  I have a low tolerance Republican Jesus.

Fred Rogers has been in the news of late.  Not only was he a PBS mainstay, he was also a minister.  His ministry was kindness.

I think that it's a rather good way to live your life.

Starting from the beginning

Way back when, I was in Weight Watchers.  It actually worked for me.  But I quit when I switched to some of the BeachBody methods (the containers).

I’m now the heaviest I’ve ever been.  My weight is affecting my health.  I don’t feel good health wise.  I also feel unattractive and awful.

So I went back to the beginning.  I got out My Fitness Pal.  It's the closest I can get to Weight Watchers tracking without paying for meetings. I’m scanning and tracking everything.  My BeachBody friends may not like it, but this is the most in control I’ve felt in ages.

I also started a new workout program.  It’s something that I’m enjoying, and the workouts are short enough for me to do them before work.  I’m also running.  I had to cancel my plans to run the Wine and Dine in 2021.  But thanks to something unfun, I decided to run it in 2022.  It’ll take me that long to train up a half marathon again.

Now, if I could manage to pack a better lunch for work so the temptation of the vending machine won’t be as great.....

Also, I need to get up the courage to weigh myself again!

Impostor Syndrome

I’ve always been an introvert.  So much, in fact, that if I have time off of work I’ll hold up at home and not leave for days.

Why not hang out with friends?  Why not go out?

Because (while I know it’s not true), most times I feel like my existence is a burden on my friends.  Heck, we’re having a wedding reception and I’m terrified that no one will show up.

Is this true?  I don’t rationally think so.  But the nagging in the back of my mind is rather loud at times.  Why would these people want to be around you?  You’re a looser.

A bit ago I started taking vocal lessons.  It was something I’d always wanted to do.  I was soon swept up into the fall concert.  Then they gave me two small solos.

Going to rehearsals has been tough.  I spend time freaking out that I don’t deserve the solos, no matter how small they are.  (Like seriously... it’s 2 lines of 2 different songs). I’m a crap singer that has been taking lessons for 2 months, that inner voice says.  Everyone will laugh at you, the voice whispers in my ear.  

What am I going to do about it?  Just keep plugging away.  Keep working with the vocal lessons.  Keep screwing my courage on and interacting with my friends.  Fake it till you make it.