I hate feeling like this

I've read that a variety of things can affect mood and mental outlook.  Hormones, time of year, stress levels....

I must be in a weird place, because I've hit a strange place.

After finishing up the school year with commencement, I am now allowed to breathe a bit.  (But only a bit, because I just got a few "Why isn't this done???" emails.)

After a day in a dress and heels, and an afternoon at a theme park, I went to bed dosed up on asthma meds and Benadryl.

I woke up in quite the funk.

I woke up wondering why I'm doing all of this exercising for.

I woke up feeling fat, ugly and stupid.

I woke up wondering if anyone cared if I was around, or would notice my absence.

I woke up feeling that my purpose in life was to work, do jobs that aren't mine, and clean.



And we know that those things aren't true.  I know that they aren't.  I'm sure it's dehydration, exhaustion and hormones.

But today I feel fat, ugly and unattractive.

And I know this will go away.

I'll hide on the sofa today.  I'll lose myself in a show.  I'll work on that dehydration thing.  (Seriously, I feel hungover, but I haven't had alcohol in ages).

I'll get up tomorrow and run and get back to the being healthy thing.

And I'll tell myself that this too shall pass.

Anne with an E

I've spend large amounts of time this weekend watching Netflix's new take on Anne of Green Gables.

I'm not sure how I feel about it yet...

In the original book, Anne was imaginative, and clever.  She didn't exactly fit in, but (if I remember correctly) wasn't ostracized by her classmates and the rest of the town.  I hadn't made it over far on my re-read.. I must admit.

Here are my thoughts:

• This Anne CLEARLY has PTSD.
• She's also like dialed to 11 on the not-fitting-in scale
• I've seen 4 episodes, and there's MUCH that isn't in the book.
• And I'm a little unhappy that Diana isn't yet her Bosom Friend!  *harrumph* 

I wonder if they didn't take the book, research what it was like for orphans back then.  Then add challenges and feelings from today's youth (which were probably the same back then)

The result is a show that is edgier.  It adds realism to the fairy-tale world that the original existed in.  

This book was one of my favorites growing up.  I was the red head with too much imagination, too much temper and didn't quite fit in.

I think to properly appreciate this take, I need to think of it as something different.  She's not the Anne of my youth.  She's an Anne of a different, and harder time.

EDITED TO ADD:
I've seen the entire first season now... and here are my thoughts:

• they added a lot of plot to the show, but kept in the highlights from the book.  (Getting Diana drunk, Matthew's heart trouble and all)
• There are themes (like menstruation) that are explored, that wouldn't have been written about during L.M. Montgomery's time.
• I really do think they went back to the book and read between the lines.  How would Anne have acted coming from that environment?  how would other people treat her (remember how harshly Rachel Lynde talked about orphans?)

In all, I can't wait to see season 2!

Fangirl (Did Rainbow Rowell spy on me in college?)

After I listened to Geekerella, I decided to listen to the Audiobook of Fangirl again.

Fangirl is a book by YA author Rainbow Rowell.  It's about Cath and Wren, twins who are freshmen in college.  Cath is the main character and the book's narrator.  She is an avid fanfiction author and struggling with anxiety.

There are many, many points in this book where I have to stop and take a breath.

I swear.  At points she is describing me.  I used to be an avid fanfiction author.

And we all know my struggles with anxiety.

Here are some quotes:

"Cath could already feel the anxiety starting to tear her stomach into nervous little pieces. "It's not just that… I don't like new places. New situations. There'll be all those people, and I won't know where to sit—I don't want to go." (chapter 4)

"It's just… everything. There are too many people. And I don't fit in. I don't know how to be." (Chapter 21)

“The arguments in her brain were like a swarm of people running from a burning building and getting stuck in the door.”








“Too much crying, she thought. Too many kinds. She was tired of being the one who cried.”


I've been here Cath is.  I've been afraid of the dining hall because I could picture myself standing with a tray and no knowing where to sit.  I know the tight and hot feeling of cresting anxiety.  I've been afraid of new things and situations because I don't know what to do, or what to wear or how to react.  I've been there, with the swirling thoughts, too many to process.

I also appreciate that Rowell did her research, because this runs in families:

"I'm crazy like him." She was already having panic attacks. She was already hiding at parties. In seventh grade, she'd been late to class for the first two weeks because she couldn't stand being in the halls with everyone else during passing periods. "It's probably going to get worse in a few years. That's when it usually kicks in."(Chapter 19)

Her father has issues as well.

I wonder how many women read this novel and though: wow... I'm Cath!

I know I did.

I wrote fanfiction.
I have a love for Harry Potter (Simon Snow in this book) that won't die.
We both have anxiety issues.

Thank you Rainbow Rowell.  Thank you for this novel.

RavenCon 2017

I haven't been to a convention in YEARS!  Seriously, years.

We live decently close to some quality area cons.  And this year's RavenCon was at a hotel that was 15 minutes away.  

So at the last moment, I decided to go.  Why did I decide to go?  Because Mercedes Lackey was the guest of honor.  

Friday afternoon I left work early so I could give the pup some out of the kennel time.  After a quick stop at Wendy's, we were off to the hotel.

Staying at home, and being a boring person, I didn't need this advice

I looked at the panels, circling the things I wanted to go to.  After noticing that everything was at the same damn time, I picked my panels.  And all of them were at 10pm or later.  Anyone that knows me knows that I'm in bed by 10 most nights.  

Ever go to a panel after half-reading the description?  That was me.  I thought I was going to a scholarly discussion about females in literature that are up to no good, and what I got was a panel about the Misbehavin' Maidens, a group that sing feminist Renaissance Faire-ish music.  I loved it!  I immediately made plans to attend their concert the next evening.

After that panel, was Mercedes Lackey's panel and signing.  I brought only 1 book: the UK cover of Sacred Ground.  (I bought the book in Ireland, and it's very special to me)

Then reality smacked me in the face.  I came in around 6 the next evening, but was already tired and antsy.

There's a reality for people that suffer with Anxiety related issues:  sometimes the world is too people-y and it's just exhausting.  I know, it sounds odd.  But after spending hours wandering around, talking to people and trying to figure out where I should be and where I was going and trying not to look like a gigantic dork when doing it all.. I was exhausted.

I left the hotel at 9pm on Saturday night, before the Misbehavin' Maidens concert.  I was disappointed.  But they understood!

Which prompted this bit of musing:

If I had a place to hang out that wasn't a chair in the lobby, or all alone in the game room... I might have made it.

But we came back on Sunday, so I could get my loot:

And now I'm at my desk, trying not to fall asleep.  

It's not like I stayed up super late.  maybe I'm just getting old?

Good lord, I'm tired

(Well, not THAT way...)

I feel like I've been scrambling for months now.  Some days I have it together.  Other days I burst into tears.

When this all started, I claimed that I wanted a week at Disney as soon as we hired someone.

Then I declared that I would settle for a week someplace sunny, with a pool.  Then I declared that a room with a hot tub would be good enough.

Last week I declared that a week on the couch with my puppy on my lap would be wonderful.

Now I just want someone to clean my house, because I can't manage the energy.  It is rather gross.









It won't be long now.  Next week is May.

May brings commencement.  After Commencement there are fiscal deadlines.  A few weeks of crazy before a respite.

And by the time the new fiscal year rolls around we'll have another employee in this office.



Today is Thursday.  Just one more day until the weekend.

Maybe this is the weekend when I'll clean my bathroom.

And I ran... I ran so far away....

This weekend was the Run the D.O.G. 5K.

It was the first hot, humid day of the spring.  (Last time I ran this it was almost 40 degrees)

And I ran a crappy race.  I wore clothes for weather that was 20 degrees cooler.  I started in a corral that was WAY too advanced for me.  I tried to keep up with the faster runners.

After I got home, I had a long shower and had time to think.

This time next year is the Disney Star Wars Dark Side Half Marathon.  I was actually considering running it.  But after that disaster our 5K, I don't know if I CAN.  What I DO know is that this is something I can work on.  I can set my alarm on Saturdays and get those long runs in.  I can step up the cardio that I do.

But what I need to sit down and really think about is:  Do I WANT to do another half marathon (another 2, actually.  I'll need to run a fall half if I'm doing the spring one). I swore after the Princess Half that I never wanted to run a half marathon again, and here I cam contemplating another long race.

In the end, I've got some time to make this decision.  But in the meantime, I'm going to train.  There's no harm in it.

Well. I'll train, when it stops raining around here!

Does anyone else have a race they are thinking about?  or a race they are pondering?

I had such high hopes for this weekend too! (We're about to get TMI up in here)

I had a healthy Easter dinner planned!
I had a run scheduled!

But no... My body had other plans.

And before people get squeamish and run away, let me say this:

Why the hell are you getting squeamish and running away?  This is a process that most women on the planet go through every month.  It's messy and painful and life. It's not something obscene.  But yet, it's a major reason that women in developing areas miss out on education.

So, Sunday found me beginning that lovely time that I call "Shark Week."

 

I was on a run at the time.  Needless to say:  the run became a walk.

Monday I did something I've never done before.  I called out sick because the pain was so bad.  I mean, I tried.  I did some yoga.  Five minutes in I was in child's pose trying not to vomit from the pain.

And I know what you're thinking.  It's just cramps.  We all get them and I should get over it.  Well, yes.  women often get cramps.  But mine were bad.  And why should my pain be less important because it's associated with my period?

It shouldn't.

But often times, women's pain is dismissed.

read here

and here

and here

and here

and here

(These were just the readily available articles....)

How many women here have had this?  People (men AND women) dismissing what you are feeling because "it's just your period" or (my favorite) "you're being hysterical?"  Most women have.  And this dismissal isn't just about abdominal pain either.  All sorts of pain are often ignored by medical professionals.  If you add being overweight to it, your chances of being taken seriously go down.

Thankfully, I'm feeling better today.  I have yet to ruin the pants that I am wearing.  I didn't run this morning, but that's OK.  Tomorrow is an arm day, and I can handle that.  I'll get back to my diet an exercise regimen (I need to look more carefully at what John Green did on his healthy mid-life crisis and do it too) tonight.

But seriously....

Ladies, if it hurts, fess up to it.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  You're in PAIN!

And everyone in general:  If she says the pain is so bad that she might vomit... please don't think it's trivial.  It's either super bad cramps, or something worse.  She's not just the Girl who Cried Pain.  Go educate yourself.

And then there's this asshat.  (I can't believe he's serious... but I wouldn't be surprised)

Now, if you will excuse me... I need some chocolate.