Emotions are weird (with memes I've shared on Facebook recently)

One constant of these weird pandemic times is emotions.

People are finding themselves we weird emotional responses to things.  Posts are running around on Facebook on how the emotional responses people are having are trauma based.

Me?  I feel like I’m on the edge of tears almost all the time!  I’m crying at every little thing.  (This is not far from normal, but it’s turned up to 11!)

What are we to do?  You just have to not get upset at yourself for having feelings!  We don't have our normal lives, and COVID-19 is out there like a Dementor looking for prey

Every day is different for me.  Some days I forget to drink anything...

Some days I want to do nothing but walk outside.  Other days I can't be motivated to workout at all!

I'm also falling into the working form home trap.  I'm checking email late into the night and doing work off the clock on the weekends.  While I'm efficient, it's not helping my mental state.  And I'm working for free!  other days I wait for emails for hours so I can proceed with things.  Other days I having issues getting off the couch TO work

Today I'm sitting on the Struggle Bus.  The dog is crying under the couch.  The cats are hiding. I'm trying not to cry.  But I have a to-do list.  And groceries to pick up during lunch.

But we'll get through this.  Eventually we'll slowly be able to get back to our old lives.  Sadly, we don't know WHEN that will be.

But if it's any solace, there's only 2 places on earth that have no cases of COVID-19:

Now I'm off to load the dishwasher.  It's not much, but it's something that I CAN do today.

I'm not fast

I'm doing the Social Distance challenge that's being put on by my local running store.  I have 4 weeks to run or walk a total of 26.2 miles.

This thing started on Saturday.  And there's quite a few people almost done.  Why?  because they go out in the morning and in 30 minutes run like 8 miles.

Me?

I'm not fast.  Not at all!!

In 30 minutes I can run just under 2 miles.

It'll take me the entire 4 weeks to do the 26.2. 

I log every walk and run.  I try to do a mile and a half in the morning and a mile at lunch.  I'm already up to 7.5 miles!

But not the 20 some odd miles that other people have already.

Nope, I'm not fast.  It's something that I'm going to work on more when the mornings are warmer and less nasty on my lungs.

I'm sure that none of the other people in this challenge came in last in a race! 

I'm not fast.  But I'll get it done!

The Fixin' to Die Rag

"And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates
Ain't no time to wonder why, whoopee we're all gonna die"

This has been running through my head a lot.

I realized something yesterday:  I really don't want to die.  (Like most people).  I don't want my husband to have to make the hard decisions.  I don't want to leave my pets without a mommy.  I want to go to Disney again!

I especially don't want to die from respiratory nastiness.  I've had pneumonia a few times.  It's terrifying.

Also, if I'm going to get sick, I'm probably already sick.  That's why this disease is so awful.  Every person is a ticking time bomb.

So here I am, washing my hands and only leaving my house when I absolutely have to.

And trying not to have too much of an existential crisis.

COVID-19 and Inside Out

I realized today that we're experiencing most of the Inside Out feelings:

With everything being closed, it's easy to get angry at the situation.  or just to have a short fuse in general.

Fear is a big one for me right now.  Is this thing going to kill me?  Will I lose my job, my insurance or my house?  How will my family deal with me being sick?  Can I afford to go to a hospital, or will dying be cheaper?  It's scary out there!

I, for one, am disgusted at how the government is handling this.  I'm also disgusted at myself for the snacks I'm eating!!

Sadness is an easy one.  A lot of people are sad.  Sad that school is out.  Sad that everything is closed.  Sad because they can't live their lives and see their friends.

Social Distancing is getting me down.  I'm introverted, but as soon as you tell me that I CAN'T see people, I'm desperate to be out among people!

Hopefully soon we'll all feel some joy as we can resume our lives. 

Hopefully in a few months we can get back to living our lives like we have been.  But hopefully we'll have learned something from this.

The New State of Things

Last night I had quite a night.

My thoughts were in a particularly nasty spiral of doom and gloom.

I laid there, in that not asleep, but not awake mode.  I swore that my chest was tight, my heart was racing, my head was pounding and my body was aching.  I was planning my funeral, because I was SURE that I was coming down with COVID-19.

In reality, I was caught in a nasty thought spiral and probably having a panic attack.

I woke up tired, but with a clear chest and no body aches.  I have an undercurrent of anxiety running through me today.  I called off our grocery foraging trip because of it.

It comes down to the fact that I need to be looking after myself better.

• I need to stop falling down the rabbit hole of coronavirus coverage, especially before bed.
• I need to take some care in reaching out to people.  Maybe set up Skype or Zoom calls?
• I need to work out more.  Daily run and starting a new program.  (I don’t need to worry about being late for work anymore!)
• I need to limit snacking!  Stop the comfort eating!  (Seriously, I don’t want to be 300 pounds when this is all over!)

The only way that we’re going to get through this is by giving a shit about other people, and following the quarantine measures.  I’ve seen the best and worst in humanity lately.

Anyone else having issues dealing with life lately?

Woo Hoo! We're all gonna die!

I have issues with anxiety.  Some days are great, some, not so.

Sweet Jeezy Chreezy!  The damn pandemic has gotten to me.

Why has this gotten me?  With the exception of being asthmatic, I've got no other risk factors.

It's the uncertainty!

Some of the thoughts running around my head:

• Will I get sick?
• Will they use the military to keep us in our homes?
• Will Disney ever re-open?
• Will students ever go to school again?
• Will I ever be able to buy toilet paper again?

I feel comfortable when I know what's going on.  I read movie spoilers before I see the movie.  I look at the menu of the restaurant before we get there.  Surprises bother me (except maybe a surprise party...).

This?  This is the vast unknown.  And the unknown is scary!!

The Reason for the Season

Actually, if you want to be picky about it...

That... and Cultural Appropriation...

We're prepping for a Christmas Concert with my vocal studio at the moment.  We've got all sorts of music, but because of the season, there's a lot of God in the songs.

And that brings me back to my conflicted feelings about Christianity as a whole.

If you get down to the words written in the book, the ideas are sound.  Do unto others.  Those have have no sinned, cast the fist stone.  Blessed be the peacemakers.  It seems like a great code for life!  I'm not going to get into the beliefs about a higher power, I'm just touching on the here and now practices.

But I'm also a student of history.  And I've seen the mess that Christianity has made in the world, both directly and when they meant well.

• The Spanish Inquisition*
• the Crusades*
• using the bible to justify slavery*
• using the bible to justify homophobia*
• Christian Missionaries (Historically and present day)*
• Native American boarding schools*
• The Westboro Baptist Church*

*Yes... the realities are more complex, and you could write a dissertation on the the intersections of religion, politics and society.... 

It's hard for me to reconcile the message with the action of the people that hear that message.  And it's hard not to think about the ills that the religion have done to people in the past.

I'll stick to what I've been doing.  Following what JC said to do without the crap that his fan club does getting in my way.  I was thinking about going back to a church, but I don't know.  I have a low tolerance Republican Jesus.

Fred Rogers has been in the news of late.  Not only was he a PBS mainstay, he was also a minister.  His ministry was kindness.

I think that it's a rather good way to live your life.