The Fixin' to Die Rag

"And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates
Ain't no time to wonder why, whoopee we're all gonna die"

This has been running through my head a lot.

I realized something yesterday:  I really don't want to die.  (Like most people).  I don't want my husband to have to make the hard decisions.  I don't want to leave my pets without a mommy.  I want to go to Disney again!

I especially don't want to die from respiratory nastiness.  I've had pneumonia a few times.  It's terrifying.

Also, if I'm going to get sick, I'm probably already sick.  That's why this disease is so awful.  Every person is a ticking time bomb.

So here I am, washing my hands and only leaving my house when I absolutely have to.

And trying not to have too much of an existential crisis.

COVID-19 and Inside Out

I realized today that we're experiencing most of the Inside Out feelings:

With everything being closed, it's easy to get angry at the situation.  or just to have a short fuse in general.

Fear is a big one for me right now.  Is this thing going to kill me?  Will I lose my job, my insurance or my house?  How will my family deal with me being sick?  Can I afford to go to a hospital, or will dying be cheaper?  It's scary out there!

I, for one, am disgusted at how the government is handling this.  I'm also disgusted at myself for the snacks I'm eating!!

Sadness is an easy one.  A lot of people are sad.  Sad that school is out.  Sad that everything is closed.  Sad because they can't live their lives and see their friends.

Social Distancing is getting me down.  I'm introverted, but as soon as you tell me that I CAN'T see people, I'm desperate to be out among people!

Hopefully soon we'll all feel some joy as we can resume our lives. 

Hopefully in a few months we can get back to living our lives like we have been.  But hopefully we'll have learned something from this.

The New State of Things

Last night I had quite a night.

My thoughts were in a particularly nasty spiral of doom and gloom.

I laid there, in that not asleep, but not awake mode.  I swore that my chest was tight, my heart was racing, my head was pounding and my body was aching.  I was planning my funeral, because I was SURE that I was coming down with COVID-19.

In reality, I was caught in a nasty thought spiral and probably having a panic attack.

I woke up tired, but with a clear chest and no body aches.  I have an undercurrent of anxiety running through me today.  I called off our grocery foraging trip because of it.

It comes down to the fact that I need to be looking after myself better.

• I need to stop falling down the rabbit hole of coronavirus coverage, especially before bed.
• I need to take some care in reaching out to people.  Maybe set up Skype or Zoom calls?
• I need to work out more.  Daily run and starting a new program.  (I don’t need to worry about being late for work anymore!)
• I need to limit snacking!  Stop the comfort eating!  (Seriously, I don’t want to be 300 pounds when this is all over!)

The only way that we’re going to get through this is by giving a shit about other people, and following the quarantine measures.  I’ve seen the best and worst in humanity lately.

Anyone else having issues dealing with life lately?

Woo Hoo! We're all gonna die!

I have issues with anxiety.  Some days are great, some, not so.

Sweet Jeezy Chreezy!  The damn pandemic has gotten to me.

Why has this gotten me?  With the exception of being asthmatic, I've got no other risk factors.

It's the uncertainty!

Some of the thoughts running around my head:

• Will I get sick?
• Will they use the military to keep us in our homes?
• Will Disney ever re-open?
• Will students ever go to school again?
• Will I ever be able to buy toilet paper again?

I feel comfortable when I know what's going on.  I read movie spoilers before I see the movie.  I look at the menu of the restaurant before we get there.  Surprises bother me (except maybe a surprise party...).

This?  This is the vast unknown.  And the unknown is scary!!