Crushing Existential Dread

 I've not been in the best of places over the last few days.  

Why?  

• Classes are starting next week.  2 weeks early
• Classes are taking places online and in weird places around campus
• Every. Single. Email. that campus comes out with has a new portent of disaster (salary reductions and furloughs have been mentioned)
• I have a million problems and not a single damn easy solution in the bunch!
• I have to do manual labor at work.  In a mask!  Which sucks!
• My house is a mess but I don't have the mental capacity to even deal with it!
• I feel like there's something awful on the horizon (losing my job, getting sick, death) but I don't know when or where it'll strike.
• My downstairs toilet doesn't like flushing anymore
• The daily thunderstorm is a nice touch....
• Oh, and it's hurricane season.. so that's fun!

My normal coping mechanisms generally require people.. and can't be done in the wake of a pandemic.  I feel like I'm about to cry. But the tears never come.

I also know that by the end of next week most of my stressors will be taken care of, and things will get easier.

In other news, I was thinking of starting a YouTube channel.  I wonder if anyone would subscribe?

Clean All The Things

 At the beginning of the pandemic, we were all sent home to telework.  I, like many others vowed that at the end, when we all emerged form our homes, a little overweight and pale, I'd have a clean house!

Do I?  

Nope!  I was bogged down in massive anxiety, and instead ignored the mess around me.  Seriously, everything that I've worn during the pandemic exists clean in laundry baskets.  I haven't put a damn thing away!

On top of that, the house needs dusting, and just a general picking up!  My day lacked the routine and structure of going into the office, so I let it all pile up.  I hated myself for doing it, but I also couldn't seem to get up and get it done either.

So I went back to an old method.  FlyLady.  

One day I'd had enough and went back to the website.  If you've never been there, it's all about how to gradually get your home in order, and setting a structure to keep it there.  I took her method, and customized it to what this house needed.

Have I been following it?  I started out, and immediately fell off the wagon.  But Monday is another day, and I'll start fresh in Zone 1.

Until then, I'm going to make a list to do this weekend.  

• Put away 1 basket of clothes
• Clean up my kitchen
• do 2 things kitchen cleaning-wise from last week's to do list
• Meal plan for the week
• not cleaning related- actually do my long run tomorrow

Let's see if I can get it done?

Anyone else feel overwhelmed by a messy house?

Sing, Sing a Song

I was having a think about my childhood the other day, and I remembered Mr. Rogers’s Neighborhood and Sesame Street.  I then realized that most people of my generation can sing thing songs from the shows.  We knows them.  they were the music of our childhood.



Why?

Because song can create a community.

I worked at a summer camp for 11 years.  Every morning we had the flag raising ceremony.  We raised the flag, did the pledge, sang the Campfire Law then sang a camp song.  On Mondays we sang Father Abraham.  the song is repetitive.  It’s long.  It has movements.  But before we were done, everyone knew the words.  Also everyone learned that in this place we sang, we did weird things, we might be silly, but we had fun.  We created a community through song.


(My apologies if this gets stuck in your head)

Thinking back to the years I spent going to church with my mother I remember 2 things:  The “bringing the money to the front” song.  And the “minister walking to the back of the church” song.  I believe these songs were used in other churches all over.  When I went to the local Unitarian Universalist church we had similar songs that were in most services.  The songs that we all knew.


(But we sang it MUCH faster)

In places all over the world, communities are created through song.  Community choirs.  School choirs.  There's football clubs that have a theme song that the entire stadium sings.



I spent a semester in Ireland.  I was on the west coast, neat the gaeltacht region.  At pubs in the rural areas people would bring instruments and play and sing.  Community



So before you sneer at kids singing camp songs, or teenagers singing show-tunes, think about what you're mocking.  These people are a community.  a community strengthened by song.

And maybe find your own group of singers to form a community with.  I have mine.

The Struggle Bus

Like many people these days, I'm firmly riding the struggle bus.

My current quarantine struggles:

• I'm losing track of time.  Today I blinked and it was past noon!
• I can't keep track of the date or day of the week
• I normally have NO memory.  It's SO much worse now!!
• I'm having weird, vivid dreams
• For some reason I'm having issues with reading comprehension.  Emails and text messages.  I have to read them a dozen times before I comprehend ALL of it.  It's terrible!

For example.  This all happened today I:

• Pissed off the cat. She ran away and is hiding from me so I can’t give her meds
• Pissed off the dog by trying to take her outside
• Stubbed my toe on the vacuum
• Took a shower... am unsure if I brushed my teeth
• My hair is wet, yet I don’t remember showering
• Actually had to look down to check if I was wearing pants.

That last part happened just now.  I'm not under a blanket.  I'm on a chair. 

Today is just being a struggle.  I have to pick up wine from the wine store and my completion packet from the running store.  I'm afraid to get behind the wheel of my car!

I just noticed that it's 1.  Maybe I should get some lunch?

Nothing is normal anymore!

As we're entering week 32585 of quarantine, I'm rather over it!

I know.... privileged... I could be sick..  I could be dead.  I'm just stuck in the house.

I'm just struggling.  I'm struggling to form a new routine.  My weight is up.  I have a few new minorly concerning health issues... but doctors offices aren't open!  Grocery shopping is difficult.  My voice lessons are on hold.  I miss singing with the girls!

Lately I've been feeling on the verge of tears all the time.  Nothing in the world is right.  People are dying.  Protests are happening because people care more about themselves than others.

For fuck's sake, Disney is closed!  And that's the one that bothers me the most.

Why? 

Disney is my escape.  In times of stress, I know that Disney is there.  That I have a trip on the horizon to plan for.  Even if I'm far away from a Disney trip, usually Busch Gardens is there for me to escape for a few hours.  My outlets are gone.

I'm not special.  Everyone's outlets are closed.  Everyone's coping mechanisms are in uproar. 

I think I'm going to go take a walk.  See if I can get the pup to come with me.  It's not a solution, but maybe it'll help for now.

Deep Thoughts

blast from the past, huh?

I think we're all hitting peak cabin fever these days.  I know I am.  I've been desperate to do things that aren't at home.

Here's a list of things I've contemplated doing of late:

• Clean out my closets
• clean out the fridge
• learn a new language.
• going back to the SCA.  I even started researching garb!
• planned a trip to a Renaissance Faire
• start training to run a marathon
• Quickly switch to training for a 5K
• contemplating going back to organized religion

That last one though...

I toy with this from time to time.  

I love the idea of a community of faith.  But between my own anxiety, and the bad taste the the media driven Christianity has left in my mouth keep me from it.

Now, I know that I'm not going to be hitting a mega church any time soon.  That would be bad for everyone involved.

I've tried Unitarian Universalism.  I rather liked that church... but that building is fit to bursting.

My BFF goes to a United Church of Christ church.  This denomination is a step down from UU.  But will I be comfortable with the level of Jesus. Do I go out of left field and try Judiasm?  But that's like learning a new language.  I tried paganism, but at times finding your way into a group that's free of crazies and that you click with... it's easier to become a Mason!

Most likely I'll ponder this for months.  Then the restrictions will lift.  And I'll end up spending my Sunday mornings running.  You know, to train for the matrathon.

Or maybe I'll give up these thoughts of God and bake some bread.  

Emotions are weird (with memes I've shared on Facebook recently)

One constant of these weird pandemic times is emotions.

People are finding themselves we weird emotional responses to things.  Posts are running around on Facebook on how the emotional responses people are having are trauma based.

Me?  I feel like I’m on the edge of tears almost all the time!  I’m crying at every little thing.  (This is not far from normal, but it’s turned up to 11!)

What are we to do?  You just have to not get upset at yourself for having feelings!  We don't have our normal lives, and COVID-19 is out there like a Dementor looking for prey

Every day is different for me.  Some days I forget to drink anything...

Some days I want to do nothing but walk outside.  Other days I can't be motivated to workout at all!

I'm also falling into the working form home trap.  I'm checking email late into the night and doing work off the clock on the weekends.  While I'm efficient, it's not helping my mental state.  And I'm working for free!  other days I wait for emails for hours so I can proceed with things.  Other days I having issues getting off the couch TO work

Today I'm sitting on the Struggle Bus.  The dog is crying under the couch.  The cats are hiding. I'm trying not to cry.  But I have a to-do list.  And groceries to pick up during lunch.

But we'll get through this.  Eventually we'll slowly be able to get back to our old lives.  Sadly, we don't know WHEN that will be.

But if it's any solace, there's only 2 places on earth that have no cases of COVID-19:

Now I'm off to load the dishwasher.  It's not much, but it's something that I CAN do today.

I'm not fast

I'm doing the Social Distance challenge that's being put on by my local running store.  I have 4 weeks to run or walk a total of 26.2 miles.

This thing started on Saturday.  And there's quite a few people almost done.  Why?  because they go out in the morning and in 30 minutes run like 8 miles.

Me?

I'm not fast.  Not at all!!

In 30 minutes I can run just under 2 miles.

It'll take me the entire 4 weeks to do the 26.2. 

I log every walk and run.  I try to do a mile and a half in the morning and a mile at lunch.  I'm already up to 7.5 miles!

But not the 20 some odd miles that other people have already.

Nope, I'm not fast.  It's something that I'm going to work on more when the mornings are warmer and less nasty on my lungs.

I'm sure that none of the other people in this challenge came in last in a race! 

I'm not fast.  But I'll get it done!

The Fixin' to Die Rag

"And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates
Ain't no time to wonder why, whoopee we're all gonna die"

This has been running through my head a lot.

I realized something yesterday:  I really don't want to die.  (Like most people).  I don't want my husband to have to make the hard decisions.  I don't want to leave my pets without a mommy.  I want to go to Disney again!

I especially don't want to die from respiratory nastiness.  I've had pneumonia a few times.  It's terrifying.

Also, if I'm going to get sick, I'm probably already sick.  That's why this disease is so awful.  Every person is a ticking time bomb.

So here I am, washing my hands and only leaving my house when I absolutely have to.

And trying not to have too much of an existential crisis.

COVID-19 and Inside Out

I realized today that we're experiencing most of the Inside Out feelings:

With everything being closed, it's easy to get angry at the situation.  or just to have a short fuse in general.

Fear is a big one for me right now.  Is this thing going to kill me?  Will I lose my job, my insurance or my house?  How will my family deal with me being sick?  Can I afford to go to a hospital, or will dying be cheaper?  It's scary out there!

I, for one, am disgusted at how the government is handling this.  I'm also disgusted at myself for the snacks I'm eating!!

Sadness is an easy one.  A lot of people are sad.  Sad that school is out.  Sad that everything is closed.  Sad because they can't live their lives and see their friends.

Social Distancing is getting me down.  I'm introverted, but as soon as you tell me that I CAN'T see people, I'm desperate to be out among people!

Hopefully soon we'll all feel some joy as we can resume our lives. 

Hopefully in a few months we can get back to living our lives like we have been.  But hopefully we'll have learned something from this.

The New State of Things

Last night I had quite a night.

My thoughts were in a particularly nasty spiral of doom and gloom.

I laid there, in that not asleep, but not awake mode.  I swore that my chest was tight, my heart was racing, my head was pounding and my body was aching.  I was planning my funeral, because I was SURE that I was coming down with COVID-19.

In reality, I was caught in a nasty thought spiral and probably having a panic attack.

I woke up tired, but with a clear chest and no body aches.  I have an undercurrent of anxiety running through me today.  I called off our grocery foraging trip because of it.

It comes down to the fact that I need to be looking after myself better.

• I need to stop falling down the rabbit hole of coronavirus coverage, especially before bed.
• I need to take some care in reaching out to people.  Maybe set up Skype or Zoom calls?
• I need to work out more.  Daily run and starting a new program.  (I don’t need to worry about being late for work anymore!)
• I need to limit snacking!  Stop the comfort eating!  (Seriously, I don’t want to be 300 pounds when this is all over!)

The only way that we’re going to get through this is by giving a shit about other people, and following the quarantine measures.  I’ve seen the best and worst in humanity lately.

Anyone else having issues dealing with life lately?

Woo Hoo! We're all gonna die!

I have issues with anxiety.  Some days are great, some, not so.

Sweet Jeezy Chreezy!  The damn pandemic has gotten to me.

Why has this gotten me?  With the exception of being asthmatic, I've got no other risk factors.

It's the uncertainty!

Some of the thoughts running around my head:

• Will I get sick?
• Will they use the military to keep us in our homes?
• Will Disney ever re-open?
• Will students ever go to school again?
• Will I ever be able to buy toilet paper again?

I feel comfortable when I know what's going on.  I read movie spoilers before I see the movie.  I look at the menu of the restaurant before we get there.  Surprises bother me (except maybe a surprise party...).

This?  This is the vast unknown.  And the unknown is scary!!