World Mental Heath Day

I find it a bit fitting that this is World Mental Health Day.  I just went into a Facebook group that is associated with a Real Life group that I'm involved with and deleted most of the post that I've made.  Why?  For a few minutes I got it in my head that no one wanted me around, so I was removing my presence from them.

Did anything happen to bring this on?  Not a damn thing.

But all day I've been fighting the desire to go home and never leave the house again.  A little voice in the back of my mind tells me that no one really wants me around.  That voice insists that I'll never lose weight, that I'm fat and ugly so why bothering exercise.  That voice, luckily has never instructed me to end it all.

What brought this on?  There's a better than average chance that it's hormonal.  In a few days I'll wake up and life will have meaning again.  Until then it'll be a struggle not to cancel every plan that I've ever made.  Not to leave every organization that I'm in.  Not to hide under my bed for foreseeable future. 

I'm not writing this for reassurance.  I'm not writing this to seek sympathy.  I'm writing this to highlight my own mental health difficulties that I'm having on this, World Mental Health Day.

I'm a lucky one.  These periodic struggles with anxiety and depression are, as I said, periodic.  It's not something that I deal with every day.  Which makes me one of the lucky ones.

But right now I'm going to stop myself from resigning from all the organizations I belong to.  I'm going to delete the half formed texts to friends that cancel our plans.

Instead I'm going to have a bit of chocolate, and get back to work.

Sick Leave

My current troubles started last Sunday.  We were shopping and I had to grad a display to keep from falling over.  I was dizzy.  Over the week the dizzy/vertigo spells got more and more frequent.  They also got more intense.

Wednesday night I was walking the dog and the whole world started to spin.  It continued to do so for almost five minutes after I sat down on the couch.

On top of the dizziness, I was tired and my head hurt.

Thursday, the dizziness stopped, replaced by a headache and a general crappy feeling.  I was short and snippy at work (I apologize, y’all).  I had work to do, but I’d find myself staring at nothing.

In other words, I was sick.

I stayed home on Friday.  I decided to use my sick leave.  And I feel guilty for doing it.  Like because I’m not dead, I should be at work.

I am given both annual leave and sick leave.  I am allowed to use them both.  Why should I feel guilty?

It’s because Americans are actively dissuaded from not going to work.  It’s an awful workplace culture and it helps no one.

So I took my day off.  I rested and hydrated.  I cuddled my puppy and petted my kitties.

And I did not feel guilty.