These last few weeks have been years long

It all happened rather quickly.  She passed.  Her office was packed up (nominally to separate her personal belongings with items that needed to stay at work.  The majority of that later category is here currently in my office so the painters can paint her office.

And after that it won't be her office anymore.

I'm still finding tasks that are incomplete, and things that she needed to attend to.  Campus has been very supportive, letting me know if things are overdue and expressing their condolences.

And what am I doing in the face of this added work?

I don't know what it is?  I see this to-do list that's a mile long (and it just gets longer as the day goes on) and I freeze.  I just want to hide under the bed.

Today, for instance, I had a super short to-do list.  And I couldn't even get TO the list until 2pm.  I spent that long trying to figure out baffling emails.

But it's almost 5.  I've made of list of things that need to get done tomorrow.  I'm already dreading the emails that will come in between now and then.  And that just make me want cupcakes.

The sad thing is: I'd feel 1000% better in this position if I knew what was going on.  If the outgoing person could train me.  But that simply isn't possible.  And other departments can only help do much.

But now I'm going home.  I'll cry.  I'll nap.  I'll avoid the world.  I'll run.  And I'll come back tomorrow, ready to try to figure this shit out again.

Sadly, life still has to go on.

I walked into work on Friday and came face to face with her closed door.  She'll never be in there to share a laugh with me again.

Every time her name pops up on work related materials, my heart hurts a little.

We packed up her office.  Well, I should say that an AMAZING student packed up most of it.  I needed to separate the work paperwork from her personal paperwork.  It was an unfortunate necessity.  With the contents of her office in boxes, it makes things a little easier to handle.  We're going to move the desk around.  That should help me not want to cry every time I look into the room.

Various campus offices have been working behind the scenes to transfer her point of contact information to me.  Every time that happens, I have to hold back tears.

We've planned a memorial.  Obituaries are being written.  I found my black dress.

But do you know the biggest thing that I did?  I signed up for a pile of races.  Many of these are the races that she and I did!

Run the D.O.G.
Christmas Town Dash 8K

(She's the one on the right)

Anyone want to run with me?  (Or walk with me?)

Heaven just gained another Angel

I started working at the College in 2011.  I was working with a wonderful faculty, amazing graduate students.  One of the best parts was my coworker Gail.

We ran races together.  We saw Marvel Movies together.

And in 2012 we was diagnosed with cancer.

She had chemo off and on since then.  Some times were good.  Some times were not so good.  When times were not so good I did a little extra work in the office.

Last night her battle ended.

I'm heartbroken.  But she's no longer suffering.

All that is left is to find a way to say goodbye.  And to try to make sense of the work in the office that is left.  I don't even know where to begin with that task.  Thankfully I have a ton of support from the Dean's office and other admins on campus.

Eventually, everything will be OK again.  But today I'm not OK.  And it's going to take some time before I feel OK again.

Right now, I'm remembering the woman that had a wonderful laugh.  We all went to Disney World last year.  I ran the Princess Half, she ran the 5K.

This is how I'll remember her.

Wow.. that's embarrassing!

I stepped on a scale today.

192 pounds.

Wow... and I was doing so well!

How did I get here?

This is part of it.  I've been living in this weird place of stress for a while now.  And it's just getting worse.  My coworker recently moved from a place of being treated for cancer to a place of hospice care.  So now her work is my work, and I'm spending this week doing triage.

Actually, today I hit a place where the task was so big that I couldn't comprehend it.  (This is why I'm blogging... I'm hiding from my to-do list)

(And my heart is breaking over her situation.)

I'm working out, almost every day....

Basically, I now need an action plan!

1. I need to plan and portion the heck out of what I eat!  That means having snacks and plans for weekend eating!
2. Working out.  I have a plan.  I need to stick to it!  And maybe up the cardio intensity...  (And not skip my Saturday workouts....)
3. Do something to manage the stress.  I have help available to me.  I need to use it.  In fact, I'm going to start doing that this week.  
4. Water:  I eat mindlessly.  How about water or tea when I'm hungry.
5. Get off my ass!  I need to set a timer to get up and walk every half hour at work.  And walk at lunch.  A break won't kill me.
6. And in that vein... get my 10,000 steps!

I'm already starting.

I ran this morning

I have a solid meal plan.  I have a meeting tomorrow at a restaurant and picked out a not awful meal to have!

And I need to not eat my feelings

let's hope I don't need to publicly kick myself in the ass in 6 months!