So much, in so few days.

It all started months ago, but it came to a head on Friday.  I wouldn't say it was a nervous breakdown, but it was a breakdown.  So I made a very hard decision.  I looked up how to access mental health help through my insurance.  There's a lot of red tape to unwind, but once unwound I can get the help I need.

Saturday was the department end of the year party.  And we were appreciated!  Enough money that I am seriously thinking of realizing my dream of owning an iPhone!  I think I can do it.  I get a little money a month that would cover the data plan.  And with the Appreciation Money... it's totally do-able!

The weekend is now over, and I'm back at work.  I have a ton of phone calls to make, and red tape to unwind.

The Parties that Mark Changes of Life (caution: lots of bullet-ed ideas)

I read an interesting article, about baby and wedding showers, and where they fit in modern life.  Seriously, go read it.

It left me with many things to think about.

Bridal Showers:

• I had a few, and since I was young and just starting out in life, and therefor had NOTHING, it was appreciated.
• I'm not the fanciest of people, I didn't care about color schemes.  Dude, if you want to buy me towels, I don't care what color!  (I know, I'm like the anti-girly-girl in that respect).  The only registries they had at the time were at higher end stores, so we registered for some expensive stuff.  I wish we could have registered at Target.
• I don't understand the concept of a shower, where all sorts of expensive things are registered for, when people have been living together for years and years.  Y'all already have all you need!  
• Now, comes the uncomfortable truth.  Not everyone can, or wants to get married.  And in some marriages, there ins't a bride.  Yet, at times they need stuff!  What do we do then?  

Baby Showers

• Now, we all know that I have issues with attending baby showers.  Seriously, I love your kids.  Just not in large groups!
• That being said, I completely understand the necessity of baby showers!  Babies are expensive.
• I'm not sold on showers for each kid you have.. unless there is a LARGE gap of time in between, or you had the surprise girl (or boy) among the flock of boys (or girls).  (I had a neighbor with a 16 year age difference between kids.  Yeah, that shower was NECESSARY!)

Now, what about all the people that don't hit those two groups?  People have are leaving a marriage, and have nothing.  People just starting out.  People that have no clothes, because they worked their butts off and lost a ton of weight.

I think that it is so easy to get lost in work, and family and life that you lose yourself.  You cease to be special, or feel special.  This is why I love birthdays.  It's one day that you can feel special, without having a kid or getting married.  It's a day that people can say "thank you for being you.  We appreciate that you are here."  People need to hear that.

Now, I think that in life everyone needs a leg up.  Here are some ideas to help

• I was handed a box when I moved in.  It was kitchen things.  I think every community needs this box!  You add to it (a few plates here, a pan or so there)and pass it on to someone moving out on their own.  You take what you need, and add what you don't need.
• Clothing swaps.  Losing a bunch of weight means you need clothes that fit.  Why not get the ladies, or gents, together to swap sizes.  People what clothes they want, and get rid of what they don't.

Everyone needs help.  Everyone deserves to feel special.  

Show ReCap and a Book Review

First: Smash

• Ivy and Ellis are up to their old tricks, except now they are being mean together.  Ivy using Ellis to send Karen home so she can have the solo.  
• I think Rebecca Duvall is also using Karen, or at the very least, trying to get her out of the way.
• So we all see Karen and Dev's relationship crashing and burning?  Right?
• We also see the Movie Star crashing and burning... since she can't sing?  Right?

Second:  Glee!

• If Quinn's in Physical Therapy, maybe it means that there's a chance that she'll be able to walk again... someday.  There's always hope.
• And Quinn and Joe?  Nice!  Dreads usually don't do anything for me.  on him?  Makes me feel like a dirty old woman.
• Kurt.  it was cheating.  Well, not exactly, but close enough.  Blaine should have talked to Kurt earlier, and Kurt should have taken Blaine into consideration... but at least it's out in the open.
• This begs the question:  Who will the show have next year?

Third:  Book Review

Let's Pretend this Never Happened.  You loved the take of Beyonce the Metal Chicken?  Then get the book.  It's pee-your-pants funny.  Seriously.  I love her humor.  Now, I can't lend the book out, because it's on my Nook.  But trust me.  Read it.

Well I meant to buy work clothes...

I ended up buying stuff for the dog (food, a new harness, a toy and poop bags), bras, new coffee and hair dye.

I didn't find any clothes that I wanted.... At the time.. Though today's Target add has some sweaters I want, and there are black Capri pants at Wal-Mart....

The most meaningful thing that happened this weekend, involved me leaving the house. The Spousal Equivalent was out with his friend, so I was on my own. And I was invited to a party. *cue ominous music*. I haven't been to a party on my own since before we got together.

But I put on my big girl pants, got in my car and went. I was there until midnight. I think I earned a medal!

The other triumph? 7 loads of laundry. We still have 2 to go. I'll get that done over the week.

Not a bad Friday

I went out to buy a new iPad case and some work clothes and a toy for the dog.

I bought myself a bra, and no clothes. Though I might go back and get some Capri pants. I hate buying clothes for myself.

I went out with the SE and friends and had a lovely adult beverage.

The headache is finally gone, and I feel pretty good.

It's a story that I've heard before

An old friend of mine (in truth, the ex of one of my BFF's) had his wife leave him.

Oh, how I know that pain.  Except in my case I was the one inflicting it.  Hearing his story sent a fresh wave of guilt over what I had to do.  (And yes, I had to.  It may have been rough, but I believe we're both better for having the divorce).  I've posted cheery, hopefully helpful comments.

Then I looked a little closer at his Facebook.  "Born-Again Christian."  I have nothing against people of any faiths.  They just tend not to like me.  Why?  Because I study, and question and come at religion from a historical and sociological perspective.  I'm highly critical of taking the bible (which I believe is a VERY flawed document) word for word.  That tends to not endear me to the born-again peeps.

In the end, I hope that the little bits of insight that I have given help.

It's not often that I'm in a situation like this...

For the next few months I will have some extra money.  Not much, but some.  The long story short is: I paid off a credit card and my car.  My current forbearance on my student loan ends in August.  So I have some extra money.

I thought long and hard about what to do.  I bought a Roku box for my bedroom.  It wasn't expensive, and it's a first step to completely ditching cable.  (We eventually want to save up for a small computer to hook up to the TV, as well)

But in the end, I realized that I wear the same 7 or 8 outfits to work all the time.  I need new work clothes!  I work in a building that is over cooled in the summer, so my first order of business is shopping for cardigan sweaters.

I rarely buy clothes for myself.  I've got the money, and I've definitely got the need.  So why not?  This means there will be shopping this weekend!  Anyone want to join me?

GleeCap: Saturday Night Glee-ver

This got interesting last night...

• Sue.  I'm actually liking this bit of character development.  It seems like she's motivated by something that is way less than crazy.  She wants to be a sole coach of the Cheerios.  No revenge.  No need to destroy.
• The future.  Finn studying acting... ok...  The Actor's studio only grants MFA's, but I can let that slide.  Santana wanting to be famous?  I can buy that.  But I am glad that she got a cheerleading scholarship so she can get a degree.  We all can't be Kim Kardashian.  But Mercedes... she needs a fall back plan or something....
• Where was Quinn???
• Unique... oh how I loved it.  I must say, that was a BRAVE choice.  I don't know (and I don't think Wade/Unique knows yet) if he/she is transgender.. or bigender.. or whatever.  But I must say, it's a new territory.  And the number was EXCELLENT!

The Cake is SO not a Lie

This morning, the Office Manager and I walk into the building together.  We go to the Faculty Lounge.

And we saw CAKE.  Carrot Cake, Chocolate cake, Cheesecake, Brownies, muffins, poundcake.  Seriously, it covered the table.

And me on a diet....

*sigh*

Snowballs and Avalanches

We've all had things snowball on us. You're tired, PMS rears it's ugly head, and your emotions spin out of control. It happens to me from time to time.

Last night's snowball turned into an avalanche. PMS was starting, and this month's entry is in the extreme PMDD category. I was unhappy that I talked myself out of a night out. My thoughts swirled in the dark, impending my sleep. And what happens when you stare at the ceiling at 3am? The thoughts make sleep impossible.

It was bad, but I know that I'm safe from super-PMS for a few months.

And my apartment is really clean now!

Insomnia, How I Loathe Thee

Tonight was absolutely full of fail.  We went to the church for LGBT movie night.  The very interesting documentary was shown on a projector that messed up the color.  We were going to go home, but a friend begged the Spousal Equivalent to go dancing.  At Midnight.  I couldn't go.

A.) It's MIDNIGHT.  when normal people are in bed. and B.) It's DANCING.  I'm too old and too fat to go out and do that anymore.

I actually used to do to this place every once in a while.  Then I got the comment from a friend.. "1985 called.  They want their dancing back."  I think I only went out twice after she said that.  That line, combined with a comment on how I'm a flirt ruined it for me.  I could feel everyone's eyes on me while I danced.  Which made me feel older and fatter.  That, combined that people were leaving the house after I normally am in bed... I stayed home.

The dog barked at every little noise until 3am.  That's when I gave up on trying to sleep.  I cleaned the bathroom.  I finished my spring cleaning.  Right now I'm too angry to sleep.  I'm angry at my friends for being young and mentally healthy.  I'm angry at myself for being old, fat and mentally unwell.  I'm angry at the dog for barking.  I'm angry at myself for buying something for myself.  I'm angry for the projector not working.

It's almost 5am, and I've maybe only slept an hour.  This is when the thoughts swirl.  Maybe I should leave.  Everyone would be better off without me, since I'm so broken.  But that's my jumbled thoughts talking.  My guilt and anger.

The dog is finally asleep.  The SE came home and is out cold, but I'm still up.  Maybe I should take something and hope for a few hours of sleep.  Maybe I'll be less angry then.

Edited to add: I have a feeling that last night was a combo of PMDD and Perimenopause. (hot flashes? Already?)

Going Cableless

We've been talking about ditching cable for quite some time now. So I've been looking at what we watch, and where it's offered.

*we watch many shows that are available on Hulu.
*we also watch CBS and Logo programming, not on Hulu
*some of the Hulu programming we watch isn't on HuluPlus...

Based on that, I've made some decisions:

*a streaming device like a Roku box will get us some programming. Pairing that with Netflix and HuluPlus will make it a great device for the bedroom TV

*for the Living Room tv I'd like to keep the local channels, and add a small computer (like a NetTop) for Netflix/Hulu/other channel's websites.

Now mind you.... We're still talking and window shopping.... But it's an idea.

What an interesting weekend... And it's only Saturday!

I took yesterday off to get the computer room cleaned. Friday started out good. I gathered up 5 bags to give to GoodWill. I also went to see if I could refinance my car loan. I can't... But it'll be ok.

I picked up something for lunch and was on my way home when the Spousal Equivalent called. He was getting out of work early! Well, part 2 of the cleaning quickly got tabled.

We went to Target to get some use out of my 10% off deal. I have new flip flops and a memory foam pillow!

Today the order of business is putting away 3 laundry baskets of clothes and washing dishes. Tomorrow I have to do some wash and pay some attention to the bathroom.

Why all this attention to cleaning? Well, firstly, the apartment needs it. Secondly, my mom is visiting in June.

Now I wait for The Bloggess to appear on CNN.

GleeCap: Big Brother (and a dash of Smash)

Now we know Quinn's fate.  She's in a wheelchair.  She says it's not permanently paralyzed.  Artie threw a flag on that, thinking she's in denial.   As of now, we don't know the truth.  Quinn's condition could be temporary, it's a real possibility, and Artie could be projecting his issues on her.  Or Quinn could be the Queen of Denial (it's not just a River in Egypt).  Time will tell.

Sue pregnant... could she get any more unpredictable?  Take a mentally unstable woman and give her pregnancy hormones.  I'd hide.  But it was sad hearing that the tests indicated abnormalities.  I believe they hinted strongly that her child is going to have Down's Syndrome... without ever coming out and saying it.

Now onto Smash:  I KNOW that this investor thing is going to end badly.  And I also have a strong feeling that the whole Rebecca Duval thing will also end badly.  But I'd love to know a.) What Ivy's up to, and b.) When Karen's going to get a cold bucket of reality dumped on her.

I have a goal now... well, for the time being.

At last week's Weight Watchers meeting, we talked about what motivates us.

I think I know what motivates me for the time being:  reaching my 10% goal.

18 pounds is 10% of my starting weight.  At 18 pounds, I get the above item.  And I want it.  I wants it, Precious! I want to make a goal and actually reach it.

This means getting my butt up in the morning to exercise.  Then repeating that exercise after work.  (Before bed is tricky.  I hate walking the dog after dark.)  The smart eating component is getting better.  Now I'm working on the rest of it.

My goal for this goal?  Memorial Day!

Wish me luck.

This has made the Tumblr rounds for a while, but it needs to be reposted

“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.


It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”

Well that's an interesting development...

I've begun to notice something over the last few days...  My bras are too big.

Like seriously.  I feel like I need to pull them down all the time.  They are just uncomfortable.

Why?  Well, it could be A.) I'm losing weight or B.) the bras are getting stretched out.  or a combo of both.  So that means a trip to the outlet mall.  I wish that bras were less expensive!

In other news, I hate my apartment complex today.  last night Misty got into some chicken bones, that were left beside someone's front stoop.  Yes.  People were sitting outside, eating chicken, and leaving the bones around.  And my little vacuum got it.

Happy Easter

Not having family in the area, and not being overly religious, it was a low key Easter. I sang in church this morning. We usually go grocery shopping after church, but decided to postpone. Last minute holiday shoppers are a pain.

This year's Easter dinner was 5 Guys. And not just 5 Guys! This place had one of those new super soda machines. I had Vanilla Diet Coke with my burger and fries (a little burger and the Spousal Equivalent and I split the fries for everyone keeping count).

I know I blew a bunch of points on this, but it was worth it. Now I'm washing laundry and watching figure skating.

Bliss.

If I had some chocolate, life would be perfect.

An interesting talk!

I visited a professor today for office hours. This particular prefessor is the department's Middle East expert. So, I went in and asked the hard question: what is up with Islam and the Middle East? How much is religion and how much is cultural.

Her answers surprised me.

She said that people in the region are turning to Fundamentalist Islam (you know, the strict interpretation of the holy book... letter of the law, not the spirit of the law. Sound familiar?). People that are unhappy are turning to these more conservative sects.

In hard times, people turn to fundamentalist faiths. The answers are easy. Everything's all written down in the holy book.

She also said two things that stuck with me: Judaism, Islam and Christianity are more similar than not. And they both have a long history of not treating women all that great.

Of course, our conversation had more to it... But I still have to process that.

Now you're cooking!

Cooking oatmeal works 100% better when the burner is on.
But I used my wait time wisely! I packed my lunch. Though while doing that, I noticed that the Spousal Equivalent had taken the veggies I was looking for.

I also used the wait time to look at my April goals. I'm doing well with the exercise. Three times a day I take the pup out for a very long, brisk walk. I get exercise. She gets happy! Yesterday I changed things up. The SE was playing disk golf at the local park, so I took the pup there for our walk. Instead of the usual 15 minutes, we walked for about 45 minutes. We never found the SE, but we got good exercise.

Today is weigh in day. I'm a little nervous. Between yesterday's pizza (all points accounted for), and the free food I over ate. But whatever happens tonight, I'll get back to exercising and eating right.

April Goals

Once of the blogs I read lists monthly goals.  I like this idea!!  So here they are!  My goals!

Fitness

• 5 days a week of my new walking plan (taking a power walk with the dog three times a day.  I wear my Weight Watchers Pedometer and see how many points I can accumulate)
• 2 days of Wii Fit Yoga

Eating

• A vegetable (or fruit) with every meal!  (except breakfast.. I eat oatmeal)
• track my food better

Weight

• a pound a week loss, adding up to 4 pounds this month

Body, Mind and Home

• Keep up with the Fly Lady regimen of focusing on a room a day
• Forgive myself more.

What are y'all's goals for the month?

Chipolte in my house!

I was actually forward thinking today! I planned a big meal that could be put away and eaten later.

My inspiration? Chipolte!

I used:
2.5 pounds of chicken, cut into bite sized pieces
1 can of black beans, rinsed
2 packets of taco seasoning plus extra cumin garlic and chili powder
(cook the chicken, add the beans, then mix some water and the seasoning. Cook let it boil down)

2 packets of seasoned rice (like Uncle Bens. I warmed that in a large tupperware container

salsa
Cheese
Baked tostitos scoops

I made a burrito bowl, and had plenty left over for other meals. Plus, since I put everything in sealable containers, clean up was easy!

I love easy Sunday dinners!