I'm tired....

I'm tired of hearing that I'm overqualified, under qualified, or that I don't really want said job.

I'm tired of being told no because I have no experience. I'm an experienced teacher. And that didn't work out. that's why I'm applying for your job, asshole!

I'm tired of being dicked around.. told to attend meeting, and have no one show up... schedule an interview only to have them call back and cancel.

I'm tired of seeing jobs that I interviewed for re-posted to the job websites.

I'm tired of this never-ending search for work... any work... It's emails and letters telling me no.

I can't take much more of this.

Insomnia

Tonight is one of those nights where sleep isn't going to come easily. It's been building up all day: the queasy stomach, the perpetually clenched jaw.

It's midnight, an hour after I took the ineffectual Execdrine PM. All along my jawline, I can feel the muscles, raw, tight, warm. It's a creature of my own making, sprung from the late night worries of the unemployed.

I can't shut my mind off tonight. There is no happy story I can run through my brain to keep the darkness locked away.

Tomorrow starts a weekend of fun. Fun I'm not sure that I deserve. I'm not making any money. I'm not being a useful member of society. I might not be a useful member of society again.

Another job down the drain

Wednesday I interviewed for the dream job, Center Manager with the USO. Living in Military Land (tm), I've been looking for work with a military support organization.

I'd be perfect for this position. We talked, she said that she'd call me Thursday. She said that not letting me know would be unprofessional.

No call. No email.

Yesterday morning I was gripped with the feeling of finality. Like if I don't get this job, I won't get any job. It's silly.

I wanted this job so badly. And at this point I'm assuming that she went with someone else.

Back to applying, after I have some ice cream.

I'm a disappointment

A friend contacted me today. The ex contacted her yesterday, talking about his new girlfriend. I love the fact that he's moved on. But something she said stuck with me. She was disappointed.

Disappointed that we didn't try. That he wouldn't change. I'm disappointed that I did change, that I gave up trying.

I am a little disappointed in myself for how it all went down. I should have tried to talk more. I shouldn't have just up an left. That was unfair of me.

I think, in the end I was staying because of money. Which is never a reason to stay.

Now, to stop feeling sorry for myself, stop letting memories of the past make me feel ill. I have interviews this week. Time to prepare.