Sunshine and Rainbows

 Everyone has a core to their soul.  The place in the middle under all the callouses and scar tissue caused by life.

Mine?  It’s full of rainbows and glitter.

Don’t mistake the rainbows and glitter of my soul for a Pollyanna like optimism.  That’s not it.  It’s more like Mr. Rogers is my default setting.  I default to kindness.  I tend to trust too easily, often to my own detriment.  I’m often brought to tears by the injustices of the world.

Some examples

• I hit high school in 1989, during the height of the AIDS epidemic.  When most children were being taught to hate Gay people, I didn’t understand why.  Why hate these people for who they love?  And why would God the these people too?
• Like many school children I learned of the Holocaust through literature.  While I intellectually know why the Nazis did this, it still boggles my mind.
• I cried watching police cause a “riot” at BLM protests, deep down not understanding how these people could first cause trouble, then punish the people they first harmed.
• My mind boggles at the selfishness of so many during this pandemic that won’t lift a finger to ease the suffering of other people.
• For most of my life I’ve not been comfortable around guns.  Why?  Because I don’t think anyone needs them.  If we truly believe to treat others how you’d want to be treated then why would we need them?  I don’t think people go around wanting to be shot.

I quickly became disillusioned with modern Christianity.  The messages of love and acceptance and the Golden Rule were clearly lost on its members.

Why do you think I love Disney as much as I do?  When we’re in Disney I can let myself just be.  I can bask in the bright glittery light of my soul as the weight of the world is lifted for a while.

A few weeks ago I sat sobbing on my kitchen floor as I heard my friend’s voice from my husband’s phone speaker.  He talked of how he’s been working and preparing this plan to end his life for months.  He’s been taking things to destroy his body.  And all he had left to do was die.

I sobbed because my soul can’t comprehend someone wanting to end their life.

I sobbed because I was incapable to stop it.

I sobbed because I could not help.

I sobbed because I trusted this person, and he used our house to help execute parts of this plan.

I sobbed because I could feel scar tissue hardening around the bright glitter of my soul.

Please, if you find others like me, don’t be the one that builds scar tissue around the bright light of their soul.  Don’t mock them for seeing the good in things.  Someone has to see the rainbows and unicorns of the world.

You've gotta love Anxiety

 I'm sitting in my office and not feeling all that well.  For some reason my anxiety is super high today.  

I can't seem to win this week.

• We had some weird power hiccups yesterday, knocking out the AC.  I watched the numbers climb and the dog starting to pant harder.  So I put the ticked with the home warranty.  As soon as I dished out money, the AC started working.
• We're dealing with an invasion of tiny ants in the kitchen.  Every time I walk by I'm cleaning the counter
• I have a concert next weekend and right about now I'm having nightmares about forgetting lyrics.
• Monday I'm having a colonoscopy.  It's a routine screening.  But of course I have sense of dread.  I'm almost certain that they'll find cancer.  I have the same dread every time I have a mammogram too.
• I'm getting a treadmill.  But to get it I have to clean out the sun room in the back.  And my stupid elbow has decided to act up.
• We're in early stages of planning a Disney trip, and of course I need 2 companies to post prices so we can budget... but they haven't yet.
• There's some paperwork issues that are a direct result of one party making rules that were interpreted differently by another party.... and of course no one is in the same darn country to work anything out!
• We have a new procurement system at work, and now that I have real world things to pay I can't seem to figure it out!

Since we've bought this house I've been in super-Adulting mode and it's been weighing on me.  What do I want?  Someplace quiet with take out and a pool.

Sadly, I won't be getting it anytime soon.

I'm in my feels today

 Ever have one of those days where you just feel like a stain on the ass of humanity?

I'm having it today!

I was getting ready for work today and had that thought of:  "What is my purpose?  What value to society do I bring?"  I'm staunchly childfree, so my societal purpose of having children isn't going to happen.  I'm going to be paying back student loans until I die, so I'm not even successful in that aspect.

I had a rehearsal yesterday for a July recital.  There I was, standing next to a tall, thin, pitch perfect 20-something.  I'm short, fat and have the voice of a strangled goose.  I had issues getting anything right at all that day.  I left that rehearsal so frustrated that I cried on the way home.

I've gained weight over the pandemic that I'm struggling to lose.  Combine that with the worst case of tennis elbow ever, it means that working out has been sporadic.

I'll be 47 this year.

And today I'm trying to figure out what good I've done in this life.  Do I contribute to society?  Am I just a useless waste of space.

Today I feel old, fat and a waste of space.

Tomorrow most likely will be better!

Besides, I have a post-pandemic race to train for!

Huzzah!

 I was blessed to grow up about an hour away from a rather well run Renaissance Faire.  Sterling was a wonderful place.  Wooded.  Top notch entertainment.  Wonderful vendors.  Then it was sold to a slumlord.

But anyways....

We figured out early on that if you make eye contact with the actors, they'll play with you.  

So here we are, in high school.  I'm at Sterling with 2 of my friends and my brother.  Early in the day, we catch the eye of the "Barbary Pirate."  he pulls us aside and asks us to help with with his plan.

"You bring the knife," he says to me.

"You bring the gun," he says to friend number 1.

"You bring the sword," he says to friend number 2.

"You bring..." he started, and my brother interrupted.  "The mace and chain?  The canon?"

"No!"  He laughed.  "The tablecloth to hide the body!  Lace please.  With a candy dish to do in the middle!"

He gave us a signal to use when we saw each other.  Thumb on the nose, wiggle the fingers and say "oggie boogie."

You know, we saw each other all day and gave the the signal.  it was the best day!  In the years since I've been a "playtron" and then working for a vendor.  In the years since, we've moved to an area that sadly doesn't have a renaissance faire within an easy drive and that makes me sad.  I miss it.

Once the pandemic is over I need to make a point to take some weekend trips to some regional faires.  Pennsylvania and Carolina maybe?

Would would like to come with me?

It’s Been a Year

 It’s been over a year of us living in these pandemic conditions.  A year of social distancing and masks.  A year of hand sanitizer and family gatherings via Zoom.

This year has been hard.  It started out with constant worry over if I was going to get COVID and die.  Then it was the extreme sense of isolation.

Now people are being vaccinated.  The rates of infection are down.

But I worry that the vaccinations won’t do well against the new variants.  I worry that the Qanon set won’t vaccinate in numbers high enough to get us to herd immunity.

I worry that we’ll have to social distance and wear masks for the rest of our lives.

Mostly, I’m living under this black cloud.  I feel like I’m forever on the verge of tears.  I thrive on hits and cuddles and touch.  I thrive in in person visits.  Sitting piled on the couch.

All thing things that make me feel Human and sane have been absent for over a year.

Today, the weather is nasty.  I have a pesky case of Tennis Elbow.  So everything seems extra gloomy right now.

I know there is hope on the horizon.  People are being vaccinated by the thousands.

But today, the hope is dimmed.

Disney Adults

 This pandemic has been difficult for everyone.  people have lost jobs.  Half a million people have died.

Us?  We bought a house!

it was a mad dash to clear the rental and move in.  And we're no where close to being unpacked!  We still have to build a new fence for the back!

And what have I done?

I started planning our next Disney vacation.

I told someone about it the other day.  That person very seriously asked me why we go to Disney.  Aren't we too old?

Disney is expensive.  Disney takes a lot of planning.  

But I don't think that you can be too old for Disney!

When we land in Orlando, I can stop thinking about work.  I don't have to think about the never-ending to do list of my life and just be.  

Leading up to the trip I adore looking at the restaurant menus and planning where to make dining reservations.  I can have something to look forward to.

Will I ever be too old for Disney?  No.

Will I always be excited for a Disney trip?  Always.

You don't like it?  Then plan your own vacation elsewhere!

Crushing Existential Dread

 I've not been in the best of places over the last few days.  

Why?  

• Classes are starting next week.  2 weeks early
• Classes are taking places online and in weird places around campus
• Every. Single. Email. that campus comes out with has a new portent of disaster (salary reductions and furloughs have been mentioned)
• I have a million problems and not a single damn easy solution in the bunch!
• I have to do manual labor at work.  In a mask!  Which sucks!
• My house is a mess but I don't have the mental capacity to even deal with it!
• I feel like there's something awful on the horizon (losing my job, getting sick, death) but I don't know when or where it'll strike.
• My downstairs toilet doesn't like flushing anymore
• The daily thunderstorm is a nice touch....
• Oh, and it's hurricane season.. so that's fun!

My normal coping mechanisms generally require people.. and can't be done in the wake of a pandemic.  I feel like I'm about to cry. But the tears never come.

I also know that by the end of next week most of my stressors will be taken care of, and things will get easier.

In other news, I was thinking of starting a YouTube channel.  I wonder if anyone would subscribe?